August 2006
(8/2/2006)
LETTING GO
There has to come a time in my life when I've got to let go of certain things. On some issues, I’ve succeeded; on others, I'm still trying. lol
I cannot, and will not, spend my days resenting, reliving pain, and disappointment; only to let it define me.
In my life, with other people, I can easily let go of perceived "wrongs" done to me. People are people; they are who they are, and I cannot change them. The only thing I can change is my reaction and response to them. This isn't to say I don't get annoyed, aggravated, and even pissed off. Of course I do; I understand that there isn't a person in the world who won't, at some time, irritate me. THAT is my problem and one only I can deal with.
Grudges against those who have hurt me, embarrassed me, betrayed me, and took joy in such acts, etc., is something I used to hold onto: held long and fast; wished for revenge, hoped for an opportunity to destroy them, or at least do the same to them. But, I was young then.
Now, maybe growing older, I'm easier going. It's easier to accept people for who they are; withstand their own personal need to feel superior by trying to bring someone else down; I'm comfortable...FINALLY.... with who I am. I don't play those games and I can easily dismiss those who do.
My father, however...wow, that's a relationship that never ceases to astound me. Growing up, I was never the boy he thought I should be; never the "little image of him" he expected. Because of such, I was virtually ignored by him. He only spoke to me when yelling (but he yelled at all of us. LOL); his version of discipline; or hitting me (no, not abuse.... just his lashing out, as I've come to realize.)
One day, he asked me (I was a young boy) if I wanted to go fishing. Well, NO....I didn't! LOL But the opportunity to spend an afternoon, just me and my Dad, excited me. I ran to the basement to get my rod and tackle box. When I arrived back upstairs, he stood in the kitchen and said that the neighbor boys were in the alley waiting to take me. Apparently, HE didn't want to spend time with me, so he called the neighbors.
I've always known, from very early on in my youth, I was a huge disappointment to my father. Not in words, but in actions, he confirmed that. When my mother passed away and I moved back home from Virginia, not necessarily to "take care" of him (I needed to come home, too; too far away from my family. We lived together for eight years...my youngest sister in college at the time, eventually moved away, as she should. I kept the house; and my father and I could go days even weeks without speaking to one another. When I came home from work, he left the living room and retreated to his bedroom. Odd father-son relationship, huh? LOL
But I think, somewhere inside him, at least now, there is a devotion and love that isn't just "paternal protocol." We don't talk much; he's too involved with his "new family;" but he does visit and talk to my sisters. He's heard of situations I'm in, mostly from them, and they tell me he's heartsick over it (much of where I am now is because he asked me to "do a favor" and I did.)
I know there are father-son relationships that are wonderful; men and their fathers in touch, communicating and after all the years, still bonding and loving.
I've never had that kind of relationship with my father. Dismissed, ignored, pushed aside in favor of my sisters (or just pushed aside because I never could live up to his standards of what he wanted me to be.)
In my interactions with people, I can most often easily let things go. For some reason, my relationship with my father is still a source of pain; I've even told my sisters: NO ONE can hurt me or make my heart hurt, like my father.
They've told me: We let it go; Dad is Dad; you need to let it go too.
Why is it, I wonder, I can still be so infused with those old emotions, hurt by his neglect to his "original" family, ignored and dismissed; yet still become emotional when I hear from my sisters that he's talked about me emotionally?
Fathers and sons. Guess there really isn't any letting go.
(8/9/2006)
JUDGEMENT DAY
For a Christian, reconciling my homosexuality and my faith as a Christian hasn’t always been easy. What I learned I had to do was leave "religion" out of it and go back to The Bible.
God created heaven and earth; God doesn't make mistakes. We may never understand the "whys" until we leave this earthly world to bask in His ever-loving glory.
God created me who I am. To say that I must change who I am in order to be accepted by my Creator is to infer that my Creator made me something less than He intended.
I can control my own behavior, as we all can, and we all must. Our Savior Jesus taught love and acceptance. This is what we all must strive to achieve. After all I am NOT without sin so how can I throw the first rock? The fact is NO ONE is without sin; therefore no one can throw the first rock.
Have I needed to repent and ask forgiveness for my actions? Of course. That one-night stand for solely sexual reasons, for one example; however, that is no different from a one-night stand between a man and a woman. The genders of the parties involved make no difference; it's a very human physical weakness; we are only human and God knows we will make errors in judgment and mistakes. It isn't the mistake He will judge as much as what we DO afterward.
Many self-proclaimed Christians will judge and administer God's justice here on earth against those THEY think are damned to Hell. That in itself is sinful in the eyes of Jesus Christ. It is not for us to judge another; judgment is left to a Higher Power than any of us.
WE will all face our Judgment Day in front of the Lord. When that day comes for me, I want to be able to stand in front of God and know that I lived my life honestly; I lived respectful of others; I tried my best to live honorably and follow the message and teachings of Jesus Christ.
I wonder whether those Christians who are so ready to condemn others will be able to do the same on their own Judgment Day.
(8/16/2007)
WHEELING MEMORIAL
A National Civil War Memorial in Wheeling, West Virginia, is appropriate and deserved.
Let’s look at a few facts from history:
The Virginia State Constitution, adopted in 1776, granted voting rights only to white males owning at least 25 acres of improved or 50 acres of unimproved land. This reflected the interest of eastern Virginia, discriminating against the emerging class of small land owners in western Virginia.
In Virginia at this time, only white men who owned land were allowed to vote. Since many western Virginians did not own the land on which they lived, they did not have the right to vote.
In 1850, the year in which Congress adopted extensive compromises to ease the growing tensions between North and South in the country, Virginia delegates once again met in Richmond to settle problems between East and West in its own state. Eastern Virginian conservatives reached agreement with the West on the major issues remaining from the 1829 convention. All white males over the age of twenty-one were given the right to vote regardless of whether they owned property
Everything changed with the approach of the Civil War. In November 1860, Abraham Lincoln was elected president, with virtually no support from the South. His election resulted in the country's southernmost states leaving the Union
On October 24, 1861, residents of thirty-nine counties in western Virginia approved the formation of a new Unionist state. The accuracy of these election results have been questioned, since Union troops were stationed at many of the polls to prevent Confederate sympathizers from voting. At the Constitutional Convention, which met in Wheeling from November 1861 to February 1862, delegates selected the counties for inclusion in the new state of West Virginia.
In the end, fifty counties were selected (all of present-day West Virginia's counties except Mineral, Grant, Lincoln, Summers, and Mingo, which were formed after statehood). Most of the eastern and southern counties did not support statehood, but were included for political, economic, and military purposes. The mountain range west of the Blue Ridge became the eastern border of West Virginia to provide a defense against Confederate invasion. One of the most controversial decisions involved the Eastern Panhandle counties, which supported the Confederacy. The Baltimore and Ohio Railroad, which ran through the Eastern Panhandle, was extremely important for the economy and troop movements. Inclusion of these counties removed all of the railroad from the Confederacy.
The United States Constitution says a new state must gain approval from the original state, which never occurred in the case of West Virginia. Since the Restored Government was considered the legal government of Virginia, it granted permission to itself on May 13, 1862, to form the state of West Virginia.
a compromise between Senator Willey and Committee on Territories Chairman Benjamin Wade of Ohio, determined that, after July 4, 1863, all slaves in West Virginia over twenty-one years of age would be freed. Likewise, younger slaves would receive their freedom upon reaching the age of twenty-one. The Willey Amendment prohibited some slavery but it permitted the ownership of slaves under the age of twenty-one.
The United States Senate rejected a statehood bill proposed by Carlile which did not contain the Willey Amendment and then, on July 14, 1862, approved a statehood proposal which included the Willey Amendment. Carlile's vote against the latter bill made him a traitor in the eyes of many West Virginians and he was never again elected to political office. On December 10, 1862, the House of Representatives passed the act. On December 31, President Lincoln signed the bill into law, approving the creation of West Virginia as a state loyal to the Union without abolishing slavery. The next step was to put the statehood issue to a vote by West Virginia's citizens. Lincoln may have had his own reasons for creating the new state, knowing he could count on West Virginia's support in the 1864 presidential election. On March 26, 1863, the citizens of the fifty counties approved the statehood bill, including the Willey Amendment, and on June 20, the state of West Virginia was officially created.
In May 1863, the Constitutional Union party nominated Arthur I. Boreman to run for governor. Boreman ran unopposed, winning the election to become the first governor of West Virginia.
In 1871, the United States Supreme Court awarded the counties of Jefferson and Berkeley to West Virginia.
As a growing industrial region with improved transportation, northwestern Virginia businesses desired a more independent role in government. With the extension of the Baltimore and Ohio Railroad to Wheeling in 1853 and Parkersburg in 1857, the northwest depended much less on Richmond and eastern Virginia markets.
Wheeling served as the State Capital
from 1863 to 1870 and from 1875 to 1885.That said, Wheeling is a perfect place for such a Memorial. It was in Wheeling our state began. We should be proud of our ancestors for fighting for and creating this Wonderful state in which we live.
My city of Wheeling isn’t what it once was; I blame that on our City Management that seems to be intent on driving businesses and people away in droves. I, as well as nearly every resident of Wheeling, mourn the loss of what our city was; and become angry over what we could be again, if only City Council and management would actually work FOR the City and us instead of themselves. Frankly, next election-time, they all need to go and be replaced with "new-blood" who are truly interested in the success of Wheeling and it’s citizens.
The National Civil War Memorial in Wheeling would be a step in the right direction. It could be a tourist attraction which may bring people to Wheeling which is needed, especially since Clear Channel Communications closed the Capitol Music Hall; something else the City could have stepped in and saved but didn’t. I’ve written this to my representatives in Congress and Senate.
After all, if our own City Management won’t do anything to help our City, except to whine, complain, bitch about the enormous advances Ohio County is making all the while doing NOTHING, it’s up to us: the citizens and residents of Wheeling to start making our voices, and votes, heard and jump-starting the wheels of change.
(8/23/2006)
ODD MAN OUT
I'm a gay man. A homosexual, fag, queer, whatever term one wishes to apply: I'm a man attracted to men.
Does it seem odd that I don't "hook-up" with other guys just for sex.... at least very often?
As well as being a homosexual, I'm a man whose life isn't determined by my dick. Yes, I do like viewing the male body; I view gay videos or DVDs while masturbating.
But my homosexuality doesn't define me, neither does having sex with other men. I do have my own life, a job, a home, a family, friends; struggles and "real-life" things with which I have to handle and solve.
I wonder sometimes, I guess tonight is one of those times.... LOL, if sex is considered more important that it should be. No man has ever died from NOT ejaculating; I can attest to that, I've gone weeks without masturbating.
Being gay is really just one part of who a person is; sex is just one aspect of one's life.
Is it just I, or are men, yeah straight and gay, overly consumed with sex? The teenage boy in the turmoil of puberty only interested in sex is one thing; as adult men, why is sex still so important? As adult men with jobs, careers, responsibilities, are we still so sexually pubescent?
Maybe I'm out the "male loop." I'm not saying I've never "followed my erection;" but aren't there more important things in our lives than our own ejaculation and having sex?
Don't people matter anymore? Has sex replaced self-respect and morals and values? Or are we just what society thinks we are: faggots only interested and concerned with sexual satisfaction?
I don't want to believe that. Yet, the more I read and hear from others, that really IS the impression that is given. Sex.....only sex seems to be the only thought on a gay man's mind. I won't even start on the married men who want a little dick on the side.
I can't believe that so many men consider sex and sexual activity to be more important than LIFE itself. No, sex isn't life; life is living as an honorable man, a responsible man, an ethical man.
Maybe I am "odd man out."
(8/30/2006)
The male erection: mostly, an involuntary response or reaction by the penis. With a thought, a sight or a touch, blood flows into the penis causing it to harden, grow from its flaccid state; it becomes longer and thicker. The owner of the erect penis is stimulated sexually.
Of course, there is also the morning "woody." Haven't we all awoken with pajama pants, or just the bed sheet, tented by a morning erection? Many misunderstand the morning woody; it's often attributed to having to pee. The fact is most everyone has a full bladder after a night's sleep; but that does not cause the morning erection. Men have anywhere from 4 to 8 erections during the night while they sleep. It's the body's way of exchanging the blood flow in the penis; it just so happens that the last of our body's penis maintenance happens in our waking cycle of sleep.
We have many different ways of referring to an erection, don't we: hard-on, boner, woody, etc. Okay, sure, it may be a little odd to say, "My penis is erect." LOL
But when it happens, while we're awake, feeling the slight stirring in our pants; the subsequent enlarging, growing...becoming erect, hard. Brushing against fabric as our penis grows, the sensitive areas sending pleasure through our bodies. Certainly embarrassing at times; in sweatpants, walking with what appears to be a divining rod poking from between our legs. Though the erect penis is natural, it can happen sometimes at the most inconvenient moments. Right?
Visual or thought-induced stimulation can cause a man's penis (dick) to engorge with blood causing an erection. Just with a sight we can feel the growing, enlarging; and it feels good. As the growing penis brushes fabric, becoming erect, sensitive areas are touched thereby increasing the erotic growth. Before long, the man sits or stands with a protrusion in his pants. That protrusion not only feels good physically, but comforts us in the fact that the plumbing still works.
Stop the stimulation, the penis returns to its flaccid, soft, state. Become stimulated again, the process begins again; continue this cycle and nerve endings become heightened, sensitivity is more intense; flesh becomes ever so sexual, nipples rise and harden, the body begins to ache for touch. Breathing changes, hips seem to involuntarily thrust forward. The penis, hardened, erect, stretching its own skin, seemingly, to the point of ripping the skin in its hardness, growth, length, and girth pleasurably aches.
What we do at those times is very individual: some take dick in hand and release the pressure, some stop what stimulation brought it on and ignore what is commonly referred to as "blue balls," others find someone in the same situation, or not, to physically touch them, be touched in return; thereby releasing sexual tension for both.
As natural as the erection is, it isn’t the definition of a "man." Men are more than their penises and erections. Who the person is, his thoughts, ideas and opinions; his integrity, honesty and compassion; his kindness, understanding and honor, these are what make the man. Remember that a man who lets his penis and erection define him is basically just a dick.
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