December 2007
Religion VS Spirituality
Religion is often used as ammunition aimed at insulting, demoralizing, dismissing and judging others. I’m one of those people whose problem is with "organized religion." Spirituality is not the same as religion.
I grew up Catholic; in fact, I was a very devout Catholic boy. Everything I learned in Catholic school from the priests and nuns as well as my parents’ devotions toward the Church influenced me profoundly. I was an altar boy and the Church and my religion meant more to me than anything. So much so that I considered entering the Seminary instead of going to High School. I won "religion awards" in elementary school.
I didn’t go to the seminary at the age of 14; I attended the Catholic High School. As a teenager, as most teenagers do, I began to question and rebel. There is a term called "Lapsed Catholic." That is someone who was brought up in the Catholic Church and often, but not always, attended Catholic school; someone who in late adolescence and young adulthood felt smothered by the Church, feeling that Catholicism was forced down one’s throat and thereby stopped attending Mass but never left Catholicism. It was a life that both rejected the Church and clung to it at the same time. If that sounds confusing, imagine living it.
As a young man, I didn’t attend Mass but I held onto the doctrines of the Church. There were certain things in my religion that I didn’t understand. For example, as a young boy I was taught that non-Catholics would go to hell; that was terribly distressing to me because I had friends and loved ones who were Lutheran, Methodist or of no religious affiliation. I suffered many fears for them because they were headed to hell. (The Church no longer teaches this.)
As I struggled with my homosexuality, the Church was one place where I could not turn for understanding or counsel. When once the priest was able to guide me, counsel me and inspire me in my life and decisions, a grown man I considered a heretic and unworthy of the love of God.
I never lost my spirituality; my love of God. I read the Bible for the first time as a grown man; as a young Catholic were encouraged NOT to read the bible. We never read the bible in school and we were never instructed to do so; no we needed the sisters and priests to tell us what we should think and feel and believe. The good Catholic boy that I was, I never did; I relied on the teachings of those who taught me what was "right" and everything else was immoral and doomed to hell.
I was in my thirties when I read the bible for the first time. It’s no wonder the nuns and priests didn’t want us to read it; there is much more in the bible than we were ever told and things that directly opposed the teachings we received. The funny thing is that when I read the bible I felt more at ease with myself than ever before. The New Testament teachings of Jesus are in direct conflict with religion.
"Religions" are more political than they are spiritual. Religions have less to do with God and Jesus than they do with the religion’s prominence and money. Each "religion" has its own dogmas, rituals and each one considers itself the only "true religion." As such, each one pronounces guilt onto each other and each one accumulates political standing and power.
What I learned was that I am NOT a mistake. God does not make mistakes. I am NOT a malfunction of nature. The only problem was with me questioning myself; questioning and doubting who I am and my value as God intended. Most religions are very narrow-minded and shortsighted; they are only concerned with what they themselves have determined to be the pathway to heaven. They consider anyone or anything different from them to be a problem; because of their following and their money, they have become political influences. Religion is just as much a political party as any other.
That is why I say I have a problem with "organized religion." The "religion" is more political than it is spiritual. Each one has bestowed upon itself the "only right way to live; the only path to heaven; the only influence that matters in our society.
I am not anti-God; I AM anti religion. Religion for the most part has nothing to do with spirituality. I am a Christian; I am a gay man; neither one discounts the other. In fact, without adherence to a particular religion with all of its policies, I’m more accepting of the teachings of Jesus Christ and accepting of others as Jesus taught us to be.
I learned from the teachings of Jesus in New Testament of the Bible to love, accept and forgive. What a shame that everyone who professes to be Christian ignores all of these lessons.
Good and Bad
The year of 2007 is winding down; and what a year it has been for me personally.
This year has brought forth both good and bad. This year, I’ve made changes in my life, which have been at the same time healthy and detrimental.
In the beginning of this year I simply brought forward from last year. I drank too much and for all intents and purposes, I was a drunk. Though I never missed a day of work because of my over-drinking, I began questioning my life insofar as my drinking was concerned. I as well faced money problems. Escaping in drunkenness made it easier for me to dismiss and forget my financial woes. The more I drank and got drunk, the less "real life" intruded and affected me.
We all have financial problems, don’t we? As my financial problems presented themselves, I cut down as much as I could. In the past couple of years, I surrendered a house, which I owned, I didn’t have cable, and I surrendered my car. My job changed, as did my income. In an effort to hold onto what I have, I gave up certain things. I rented the house to a family friend; but I wasn’t a very good landlord. When he didn’t pay rent, I paid what I owed at the expense of other financial obligations I had. Then I changed jobs; I took a job that was much better for me personally, but my salary was much less. At the time I was very unhappy in my employment regardless of how much I earned, so I accepted a position, which made me personally more content, but I lost income. It was during this time that I started drinking so much. I was unhappy and discontented and frustrated so after I came home from work each day; I opened a beer and printed out resumes to send out.
I was hired in my current job, which I knew would be a pay-cut, but better for me personally. However, I’d gotten into to habit of drinking; as well, I’d gotten into the habit of excusing others of their obligations and instead chose to make up for others’ financial deficiencies with my own money. I saw myself falling more and more behind; I became more insolvent and no matter how much I gave up, I couldn’t pay what I owed. As I saw this happening, I drank to escape reality.
In the end, I lost nearly everything. I struggled to hold onto my home; I’d given up the apartments, television cable, magazine subscriptions, and my car. I gave up every "luxury" except the beer. I kept on drinking.
Earlier this year, I gave up medication. Even with my co-pay, I couldn’t afford going to the doctor or the medication. There are many issues and reasons, but to be brutally honest, I chose to drink than anything else.
I’m neither proud nor am I happy about my life and my decisions. I could fill volumes with the reasons and explanations but the fact is I was irresponsible. They say that one must hit rock bottom before changing his or her life. I lost and or gave up much.
This year, I made some incredible changes in my life. After several years taking an antidepressant, I stopped filling the prescription. After too long drinking more that I should, I stopped drinking so much.
The results have been both good and bad. I’ve lost around 40 pounds without the empty calories of beer; I’ve also found myself withdrawing as a result of no longer taking the medication. I’m better without drinking a twelve-pack a day and I’m happier for it. I’ve got to admit that I’m experiences and emotions that I felt in my pre-Paxil days. So far, I’ve been able to keep my head above water, as they say, but I do admit that I struggle. The insecurities, fears and sadness that in 2001 brought me to the brink of destruction before loved ones and family intervened to save me from myself, have once again begun resurfacing in my psyche. I’d hoped that my "problems" or worse yet, "mental illness" was over. I wanted the need for medication to be irrelevant.
I struggle now; I do everything I can to fight off the depression and fear. I don’t always succeed or overcome the emotions and feelings that overcome me. I know that most people who have never experienced depression and anxiety to the point of being considered "mental illness" cannot understand what this is like, to live with these feelings, thoughts, emotions and fears.
That medication so many years ago saved my life, I don’t say that lightly, my world was in darkness and covered in fear. I was ashamed and embarrassed of the man I was, yet no matter how much I tried, I could not emerge from the darkness that engulfed me. After ten months this year without that medication, I find myself once again struggling. Depression threatens to overtake me and fear and anxiety terrorize me once again.
As this year moves toward its conclusion and a new year brings promise, I applaud myself for the advances I’ve made; at the same time, I feel fear. These many months I’ve struggled and done the best I can to keep my head above water, the waters of emotions and fear that try to drown me. If these overtake me, as I was overtaken years ago, at best I cease living; at worst I die. I either live a life of non-living again or I believe death is better than life.
Six years ago I wasn’t eager to accept that I needed medication to sustain me. Funny enough, I didn’t even start drinking until a few years after I began medication for my "mental illness." Here I am over six years later and for better and worse still here. I’m no more eager to admit to "mental illness" anymore that I was then; I had hoped that that was a "time in my life." What if it isn’t "a time in my life?" What if I let it go and find myself again in dark rooms, crying, despairing, wishing the end of life, emasculated by the emotions and feelings over which I have no control, my own manhood yet another insult to me because I cannot be the man I think I should be.
I’m not sure where to go here. Is it an admission of weakness to need medication to control depression and anxiety? Am I less of a man if I need such? I have lived with and without it; my life with it was life, my life without it was fraught with fear, anxiety, sadness, depression all of which I could barely control, and in fact controls me.
What a busy couple of weeks it has been. Well, it IS the holiday season after all.
Last Saturday I attended the Christmas Party one of my sisters throws for her nieces and nephews. Boy does she go ALL OUT! She cooks, bakes, plans; games and prizes; gifts and thoughtfulness for each and every one of the kids, about fourteen in all. For the older kids, she got "theme stockings" (football, soccer, etc.) and for the younger kids, she chose Santa hats. Stockings have hangers with which to hang them; the Santa hats didn’t. She sewed into each hat a hanger so they could hang along side the stockings. Then she sewed onto each stocking and Santa hat the name of each child. Then each one was filled with age-appropriate "stocking stuffers." There wasn’t much candy other than mini-candy canes; and any other candy was sugar-free because one of our nephews is a diabetic. Each child was given a mini-Christmas tree and the prizes for all the games were ornaments for the trees. Of course, everyone won and each child received ornaments with which to decorate its own Christmas tree. Another activity was the making of ice cream and every child took part in it; it involved the ingredients (Splenda in the place of sugar) for the ice cream in zip-lock bags then put into coffee cans surrounded by ice and salt then kicked around. Of course, it is the rolling motion that does all the work, but just tell a bunch of kids to kick a can around … it was loads of fun but was wrought with the potential for injury. LOLOL I participated with one of my sister’s nieces and our can was dented beyond belief; the older boys approached this, as they would kick a football. It was messy, noisy, and vaguely violent with the irrepressible energy of youth but loads of fun and laughter. The ice cream that resulted was quite tasty.
It was an all-afternoon affair that was delightful. My sister really knows how to throw a child’s Christmas party. She even gives the same kind of party in the summer, called the "Birthday Party", for everyone who has had a birthday that year. We often look at her like she’s nuts; but she loves it, the kids love it and we love it as well. This sister of mine is confined to a wheelchair because she suffers from MS.
How is THAT for a lesson? Talk about putting things into perspective. She constantly inspires me.
Yesterday was another one of my sisters’ work Christmas Party. She works for months putting this shindig together because it’s not as much an "office party" as it is a "client appreciation" celebration. She works with clients from all over and each December the company hosts Christmas parties at a local resort complete with dinner, dancing, cocktails and hotel rooms. My poor sister inevitably stresses over the weather (it IS December) and is in constant communication with her clients from Virginia, southern West Virginia and elsewhere giving them weather updates.
And each year since she had her son, my nephew, I baby-sit. Her son is my godson; I’m not sure, have I ever mentioned the most perfect child on earth? I may have … at time or two.
So, yesterday morning, my sister, nephew and I attended our Neighborhood Community’s "Breakfast With Santa." Okay, "breakfast" is doughnuts, juice and milk (white and chocolate.) We sat down after we got him his doughnut and chocolate milk and before we knew it, he was off playing with the other kids. What a difference a year and school makes; when just last year he sat wanting to be there but unsure and somewhat frightened, this year he was more social than his uncle is. When Santa and Mrs. Clause arrived, he joined the line with his friends. Last year, we couldn’t get him to get in line much less entertain the thought of sitting on Santa’s lap. To the credit of those in charge of "Breakfast With Santa" and Santa and Mrs. Clause themselves, it didn’t go unnoticed. After we were nearly the only people still sitting there, my nephew wanted to sit with Santa but couldn’t bring himself to do it; Santa and Mrs. Clause came to him. Again inspiring, NO CHILD ignored.
Well, this year my nephew and his friends played and ran around the hall. He eagerly joined the line and sat on Santa’s lap and talked with Santa and Mrs. Clause. He’s not a baby anymore; he’s a kid, a person and WHAT a kid he is! To me he will always be "my baby", but he’s not a baby anymore. Yesterday, I sat with him. He had a list of games for us to play and quite an itinerary for us; and because he’s in kindergarten, we even had one fire drill. On the move we were, all at his direction. We played games in his bedroom, which is quite neat for a six-year-old boy; his room is decorated for Christmas, including the Christmas tree he received and decorated at my other sister’s party. After dinner we spent the evening watching Christmas shows he has on video and DVD. During the Christmas shows we ate snacks: popcorn, chips and dip and Little Debbie Christmas cakes. He fell asleep with his head on my lap. When he was a baby, we frequently snuggled and he’d fall asleep in my arms or in my lap. Even as a six-year-old he positioned himself on my lap and snuggled saying, "Uncle Joey, you are very comfortable." I would have quipped, "Like a pillow?" but I knew he wasn’t trying to joke or be funny, he meant it; to him I am very comfortable and secure and loving, he feels safe with me … he loves me.
Believe it or not it’s difficult for me to articulate something; I have a difficult time putting into words the love and devotion I feel for this child. Since he was a baby, he and I developed a connection with one another. He found an Elmo toy recently but he doesn’t remember he and I going together when he was two years old to the store and my buying him every Elmo he expressed interest in. As a toddler he was a total Elmo fanatic, as many toddlers are. Now, he rediscovered this singing and talking Elmo and though he may not remember when he got it, he feels a connection to it. Last Valentine’s Day I gave him a stuffed bear that when you press its paw says, "I Love You" three times. Imagine my surprise when I found that he keeps it on his bed. Every time we went into his bedroom, he pressed the paw. When I took him up to bed last night, I tucked him in, kissed him and told him I loved him; as I walked down the hall, I heard that bear repeating, "I Love You" as that child settled into bed to sleep. Does he remember that was a gift from me? I don’t know; seeing how he loves it nearly brought me to tears halfway down the hallway.
I know and feel the love of my family. I know and feel the love of friendship. Emotional connections among adults are never without some difficulties and issues.
But at Christmastime, especially, what love is better and more pure than the love of a child? We may have forgotten how we felt at Christmas as children, but we were children at one time. In our maturity and release of the magic of Christmas and the beauty of the season, we easily become disenchanted and forget what Christmas is all about. It’s not about gifts and parties; the spirit of Christmas is LOVE.
Certainly we haven’t lost our capacity for loving others, have we? Not really, I don’t think so. We can put away our differences this one time of year and embrace the spirit of Christmas with love for all and good will toward men (meaning human-kind.) THAT is what Christmas is about: love, forgiveness and as Tiny Tim said, "God Bless us all, everyone."
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas. I wish you all love. You know, if we would step outside of ourselves for just one moment, leave aside what we think and everything that drives our hatred of others and things throughout the year, it’s quite possible each and everyone of us could really experience the emotion and feeling of the true meaning of Christmas.
Just imagine if we could achieve that, and hold onto that all year long, what our world could be. Religious preference aside, acceptance of one another; good will toward everyone; love of all, every one!
Until then, I wish unto everyone love, support, understanding, acceptance and well-being. I also wish, my Christmas wish, that everyone gives the same unto others; it’s easy and nice to receive that gift, but to give it is truly a gift.
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