July 2006
(7/5/2006)
ACCEPTANCE OF OURSELVES
I sometimes wonder about myself.
For many years between hiding from myself and accepting myself, I was nothing, no one. I only watched television; I would have three VCRs recording while I was watching a fourth show. All my "spare time" and weekends were devoted to watching all that I'd taped. Was I happy? Not really. Was I content? Pretty much.
Oh, how life changes; how we change.
I've not just changed but grown. The beginning of it was accepting myself. Accepting who I really am. That was hard enough; but allowing others to accept me and love me for who I am was harder.
I'd built up this idea of who I am in my own mind. Much of that idea was my own fears, insecurities, and shame. Since my own acceptance of myself, it appears I'm the only one who held me to the "ideals" I put upon myself.
Those people closest to me seem to have always "known" or at least suspected my homosexuality. Not everyone, after all don't we all, with certain people, try to protect ourselves by the same denial and ignoring?
I'm still growing into myself. Then again, that's life...isn't it? We grow, we learn, we change.
Those years of solitude and television are behind me. Regardless of how I felt about myself, one fact has always remained: I've always been me. I remember working with a woman in an office and she admiringly said to me, "You are so comfortable with yourself."
Now didn't THAT comment throw me? Obviously, I read between the lines. Did she mean I'm not incredibly "masculine"; did she mean that I don't fit in the "typical man" role model; was she commenting on my ease with others and generally being liked; was it a comment about my mouth: how I "tell it like I see it and damn the consequences?"
Often times I think I need a better filtering system between what I think and what I say. I've been called "brutally honest," "too pragmatic," along with rude; the fact is that only a quarter of what goes through my head I actually say. lol
I don't think I'm rude, at least I hope I'm not. One of my brothers-in-law once said to me "It's amazing you've never been punched in the mouth for what you say; but it's your delivery. You tell the truth and what you think with humor and if you insult someone, they don't realize it until they are home. lol"
I've never thought of myself as an opinionated person. Sure, I have opinions, as do we all. Just because my opinion is different from another's doesn't make me right and them wrong (okay, maybe I'm a little more right. LOL)
This whole thought has come about because of several letters that I’ve written have been printed in our newspaper. One of my sisters said "You finally realized you have opinions." lol
I've always been more comfortable writing; my thoughts, poems, and such. I guess the written word is how I best express myself. Though I often express myself verbally as well. LOL
I guess, and should stop wondering, about that woman's comment. I am comfortable with myself, who I am. After all, people will think what they want, regardless.
I'm okay with myself ... now. My thoughts, my opinions, my humor, my acceptance by others. THAT was a life-long lesson.
7/12/2006)
BODY IMAGE
I realize I'm too old to be wondering about certain things. But then again, these are things I've not experienced.
Locker rooms. Men naked together, showering next to each other, dressing and undressing in front of each other and walking around nude without a second thought. I've never been nude in a locker room; maybe as a child in the swimming pool's male locker room but it was always in the furthest corner to pull off my pants and lift up my trunks. As I grew up, I went to the pool in my trunks, so that I'd not have to change and I got out of the pool in enough time to dry before getting into the car.
The idea and thought of the men's locker room excites and confounds me. Men seem to be so comfortable with their bodies and their nudity; so much so that they have no qualms about being naked in the company of others; including other men.
I can intellectually rationalize this as we are all men and we've all got the same parts. In that sense, whatever we see in the shower and locker room, we've seen before because we possess the same, within degrees.
What is the difference between these and other men, who don't think twice about stripping, those who are seemingly unashamed of their nakedness, those who are so comfortable with their bodies that they can walk around naked for everyone to see and don't worry about modesty ... and someone like me?
I am uncomfortable when standing at a urinal and someone at another urinal begins a conversation. I never had the high school locker room experience; and as I mentioned before, ANY locker room experience. Even when I "hook-up" with someone, I'm surprised at his ability to strip down with no shame, no insecurity about his body. There've even been times when I've unclothed in front of another man when I've offered an apology for my body.
Take a look outside during the summer. Shirtless men working, mowing the lawn, walking down the street seemingly completely comfortable regardless of their own physical shape. Younger, older; buff and athletic, overweight and sagging; smooth hairless chests, chests and torsos ranging from hairy to downright furry; I admire these men for their confidence or lack of insecurity about their bodies.
Could it be all the female influence in my life? Growing up with all sisters? Women are so much more judgmental and critical of their bodies than men seem to be.
I don't consider myself as lacking in self-esteem; I know who I am and I am happy with whom I am. Maybe I'm just a prude. Maybe I just know what my body is and what I've got in terms of "manhood" and I feel insufficient; at least in comparison with other men's "ideals" and expectations.
Don't all of us men wish our penises were larger, bigger? Listening to porn and the guys wanting a hook-up, the size of the penis is all that matters. Well, if we judge and compare ourselves to the guys in porn, won't most of us fall short?
That's a man-thing.... the bigger the dick the more a man he is. It's not true; that is a male ego fallacy. I may not be "horse-hung" but mine grows double or so from its flaccid state. The horse-hung is big, but doesn't get much bigger.
I certainly believe we should all be comfortable with ourselves, including our bodies. Of course, that would be easier for me if I looked like Steve Kelso, but alas, I don't. It's a funny thing: many of us can accept and love ourselves for whom we are but still have "body image" issues.
7/19/2006)
Circumsicision
A subject I don’t hear much about, except from other men.
In our country we routinely circumcise newborn boys. This country is the only country in the world where circumcision is performed routinely without being a religious ritual.
Our society claims routine circumcision at birth is for the boy’s health and hygiene.
Some facts parents of newborn boys should know:
"... the prepuce is put on a stretch by grasping it on either side of the median line with a pair of hemostats. No anesthesia is used. A flat probe, anointed with Vaseline, is then inserted between the prepuce and the glans ... In cases where the prepuce is drawn tightly over the glans, a dorsal slit will facilitate applying the cone of the draw stud (the bell) over the glans. After anointing the inside of the cone, it is placed over the glans penis ... The prepuce is then pulled through and above the bevel hole in the platform and clamped in place. In this way the prepuce is crushed against the cone causing homeostasis. We allow this pressure to remain five minutes, and in older children slightly longer. The excess of the prepuce is then cut with a sharp knife. Within minutes, three feet of veins, arteries and capillaries, 240 feet of nerves and more than 20,000 nerve endings are destroyed; so are all the muscles, glands, epithelial tissue and sexual sensitivity associated with the foreskin. Finally, what nature intended as an internal organ is irrevocably externalized."
This is the "normal, accepted" trauma we put our male newborns through. It is a painful, violent exercise by our medical community that most of us have experienced as newborn boys and we as parents and a society have accepted as normal. What was taken from us, a part of our bodies, the way Nature and/or God created us is routinely mutilated.
Years ago, tonsils were removed from the young who succumbed often to colds and sore throats. Eventually, the medical community realized that the tonsils actually DO something and tonsillectomies became NOT the first course of action.
How arrogant are we that we assume to know more than Nature or God? We are born with everything we need. We aren’t some sort of model or furniture or appliance "some assembly required;" just because we may not know the exact reason for something, we don’t come with "extra parts." Man didn’t create our bodies. Medical science continues to struggle with understanding every aspect of how the body works.
Some parents may want circumcision so that the son will "appear the same as the father and other boys," but that is nothing more than selfishness and "going with the flow." As hygiene is concerned, don’t we teach our daughters how to cleanse and take care of themselves? We certainly can teach our sons the same.
I write this as a circumcised man who regrets that I’m not entirely what I was intended to be. It isn’t about my own penis or about sex; it’s about being the man I was intended to be, but was taken from me before I had a choice or a voice. It’s about regretting that I was cut and tortured shortly after birth. As a grown man now, I know something is missing; a part of my body; a part of me. A part of me that is natural, and there’s no getting it back.
Ritual male mutilation should be stopped!
7/26/2006)
Issues. We all have them don't we? lol Personal, societal, political. For the most part, they are just thoughts, beliefs and opinions, aren't they? As such, how can one claim theirs are "correct" and others' are "wrong?"
I'm not really a "political" man; but, as everyone else, I do have my thoughts and opinions about some "issues."
Criminals have more rights and get to use and enjoy them more than victims. I think that if one commits a crime, they've given up their rights by stealing the rights of their victims.
Animals are Animals; they don't have rights. I don't mean that Animals should be mistreated or abused; but how many think Animals' rights are over and above people? (I'm not talking about abusive people toward pets. Yes, those people should be punished. But those who throw paint on people based on what they think that other person is wearing; those who condemn what others are eating.)
Immigrants. We are all immigrants; at least our parents, grandparents or great-grandparents were. THAT is what made America. They came here in search of a better life and they found it; in fact, they created it for us. One's heritage wasn't lost; it was embraced, as it should be. But the main focus was being an American. People still flock to our country in search of a better life; who can blame them? However, it seems the Country is now expected to "become one of them" instead of "them becoming one of us." If one comes into this country legally, they must become one of US, not the other way around.
Religion. In the beginning, we broke from England due to economic and religious reasons. A country is free to pray and believe, as they choose, in freedom. The arrogance and ignorance and self-importance of people have even changed that. Too often someone is condemned for not believing in the same way, the same fashion as another; not just condemned, ridiculed, attacked and persecuted. Persecuted by self-righteousness and arrogance, I think; and that's a long way off from what this country started out to be.
Marriage. At one time, marriage was a commitment, a promise. Now, it's a "legal affair." The commitment and promise toward another has given way to "Well, if it doesn't work out, we'll divorce." Damn the circumstances, damn the repercussions, damn the effect it has on others, especially their children. We've gone from "I promise you" to "I promise.... until I'm not getting what I want to feed my ego."
Homosexuality. There are many "issues" here. Sex between two people of the same gender happens as well as sex between two single people of opposite genders. All through time it has. "Straight" people don't understand; as well as many gay people can't understand the attraction toward the opposite sex. Since most of the population is "straight", homosexuals are often perceived as deranged. The fact is that we are different from the mainstream; but only sexually...not as people. We may actually be more "normal" than straights; statistics show that child molestation is committed by mostly straight men, NOT gay men.
Straight people love to make jokes and laugh at gay men. Okay, well, we make jokes and laugh at them as well. LOL What most of them don't realize is that they probably KNOW someone who is gay. The assumption when meeting someone is that they are straight; that's not always the case. Do they know? Do they suspect? Do they ask? Mostly not, because they don't want to know because it may affect or change their opinion or thoughts of that person based on NOT who that person is, but WHAT they think that person is.
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