March 2008
PRIDE
I am more comfortable with myself in my forties than I've ever been in my life. My boyhood, adolescence, my twenties and thirties were spent being confused, unsure, uncomfortable; years trying to be what I thought everyone else thought I should be, NOT who I was.
I couldn't reconcile myself, WHO I am, with my perceived expectations of who or what I SHOULD be. How can anyone else accept me for who I am if I cannot accept myself?
Oh, I put on a good front. After the trauma of high school, I have been a pretty popular guy; which has always astounded me because of my experiences in school where I was only popular in a negative sense. In school, my "reputation" preceded me; that is, the reputation that was given to me by the other boys who decided I was a faggot.
I'm surprised at how content and comfortable I am now with myself. I'm not even sure when or how it happened. During the 1990's a co-worker said to me, "You are so comfortable in your own skin." I wasn't sure what she meant by that comment at the time; now I think I know that she was complimenting me. She was saying, in effect, that I am who I am. I'm sure my homosexuality was suspected (I always thought one would have to headless NOT to know that I'm a gay man, but then I denied the fact to myself for a long time); but she was saying, admiring in a way, that I didn't put on pretenses. What you saw was what you got.
I did finally resign myself to my own homosexuality. It wasn't like what is often heard, "I realized I was gay." I always knew it; I just tried NOT to be. Well, I cannot be someone I'm not; none of us can and be happy. So I resigned myself to accepting myself, all of me. Yes, I'm a gay man; no matter how many times I told myself that I look at men "just to see how I measure up", I look at men because I'm attracted to men, the male body is beautiful to me and sexually stimulating.
I went through my "adolescent sexual promiscuity" when I was in my late-thirties and early forties. After I finally accepted myself, I was like a horny teenager (one that I'd not been as teen.) That phase didn't last too long; after all I was still I.
Being gay doesn't alter who I am, homosexuality is a part of who I am; but just a part. My sexuality doesn't define me; it's no more than another aspect of me like being near-sighted, the male-pattern baldness, which I cannot control, the body hair that is natural. My homosexuality is no more important or meaningful or defining than the rest of my personality with all of my quirks and neuroses. I'm gay, I'm a bit of a perfectionist; at work I expect much more of myself than others, but I do expect others know their jobs and do them; I am a team-player and don't suffer easily those who are only interested in themselves or the back-stabbing "office politics."
There is a difference between arrogance and confidence. I'm confident in my abilities, my job performance and who I am. Co-workers call me "smug" in a friendly way; they call me "smug" because, they tell me, "You are almost always right." Like I said, I don't pretend to be something I'm not; if I don't know an answer, I admit it and I find out the answer; when I make a mistake, I'm the first to say that I screwed up and make every effort to correct it.
After four decades of living, I can say that I am content, comfortable and proud of the man I am. That's not to say that I don't have my faults, God knows I do. I'm a "work in progress," learning more every day.
We hear about "Gay Pride." Am I proud that I'm gay? Well, no more than I am about any other part of who I am. I'm gay and that fact is part of who I am, part of me. I'm also honest; I have integrity and values and a sense of self that has nothing to do with being gay.
We are more than our homosexuality. I'm no longer ashamed of being a gay man; but my homosexuality doesn't define me. Self-pride should be all-encompassing. We should love ourselves for WHO we are, not just for certain parts of ourselves. Being homosexual does not negate being honorable, responsible, adult, grown-up men and women.
Yes, I am a gay man and I'm comfortable and happy with being a gay man. I couldn't be any other way. That is part of who I am; but not the biggest or most important part.
BLOOD FLOW
I'm a man. As a man, I'm sexually stimulated and excited visually. Whether or not I should feel ashamed of viewing pictures of naked men, I do it. I look and I enjoy looking. As I do, I feel the blood flowing into my penis causing an erection. Not an unejoyable feeling.
As men, that is what happens, isn't it? Straight men look at women and experience the same erection. Personally, the female of our species doesn't do that for me.
My sex life is vicarious; I don't "hook-up" nor do I have sex with other men; neither am I in love. I'm really not sure that I want to be or do that.
But for better or worse, in embarrassment or shame, I do look at men. Why? I think the male body is beautiful. I am sexually attracted to men. As I look at men and appreciate the male form, the blood rushes into my penis. I get erect; I get a hardon. I'm not sure where the term "hardon" started, but as a guy with a penis I know what it means and how it feels.
My dick doesn't define me; after all, I often wake up in the morning with an erect penis (a hardon) but that really doesn't have anything to do with sex. It's just a part of male biology. Then when I do what I do, looking at men, the blood leaves my brain and flows into my penis; my penis becomes erect. A naked woman doesn't cause the same effect to my body.
But I'm a man and the physical desires happen to me. All that blood flow into my penis and erection and sexual desire and ache for sexual release doesn't make me a "freak".... it just makes me a man.
So I, as they say, take matters into my own hand.
Because love and sex do not mean the same thing, in the absence of romantic love in my life I'll masturbate (jack-off) when the urge strikes me and compels me to do so. Do I sometimes miss human touch; touching and feeling another and being touched by another? Well, I’ve got my moments.
There are times when I wish I were more comfortable meeting men, hooking-up. Sexually, though, I guess I’m pretty shy. I’m often uncomfortable with my body and physical appearance. I mean if I had the physique of an athlete, I’d be naked right now. But, alas, I don’t look like a catalog underwear model. Then again, MOST of us don’t. However, it seems THAT is what many want.
Here’s the thing: it’s quite a risk to my self-esteem to be rejected physically. I’m not "hung like a horse" but I think my "little guy" is very pretty. No, my "wee willy winkie" isn’t all that much when soft; but when the blood flows and rushes, it fills out quite nicely. Oh I’m nothing like the guys in porn whose dicks look like baseball bats, I’m just an average man. I’m a "grow-er" not a "show-er."
I’m having a little trouble concentrating right now; all the blood is leaving my brain. Guess where it’s going. It’s a good thing I’m wearing sweatpants without underpants; less constriction. See, THIS is why I don’t want a laptop computer; it would just be too difficult to type. It’d be like a seesaw.
Yes, the blood is flowing. I think I’ll go treat my body like an amusement park then take a nap.
March 26, 2008: CONDOMS
I walked up the street a few evenings ago to get some beer. Yeah, I've fallen off "the wagon" these past few weeks.
Anyway, I got my beer and you know the stuff right by the register? I call them "impulse items." That evening I grabbed three packages of condoms.
Why? Well with my sinus issues I don't like wasting tissues; and paper towels are a bit too rough when I … how should I say … show myself a good time. I’m pretty sure I "shoot blanks." But then again, I’m not sure; recently I’ve been seeing many "baby tissues" around the house. I prefer condoms during intimate moments with myself because it just makes clean-up easier.
If the cashier hadn't been another guy, I would not have bought them. Does that make me a prude?
He commented that when kids come into the station he has to watch because they steal them. I said, "When I was a kid, you had to go to the pharmacy to get condoms." "Really?" he replied, "that just makes it worse to not be safe."
Truth be told, I never bought a condom until I was in my late-thirties or early-forties. I was too embarrassed to ask the cashier for a "pack of Trojans."
When I was twenty years old I was dating a girl (yeah, I KNOW) and we were planning a trip away together. My best friend, a girl with whom I'd shared cribs, playpens and mothers, told me that I needed to take condoms with me on this trip. I was a very naive and sexually innocent young man and I told her that I couldn't go to the drugstore and ask the cashier for condoms. She then told me to watch her kids (who I loved and loved spending time with) while she ran out for a bit. My friend returned a short time later with a brown bag; in that brown was a package of condoms. In the end, this girlfriend and I never went on our trip because of my car problems. My mother had been in my bedroom shortly afterward collecting laundry. I believe she found that brown bag with condoms in it because it was not in the exact same place I’d put it and the bag looked to have been refolded.
Oh, MOM saw those? What did she think? My mother never said anything to me about what she'd found in that brown bag in my bedroom. I never asked her about it either. Did she freak out seeing condoms in her "little boy's" room? Did she run to my father and tell him of her discovery? Did my father (secretly thinking, "Thank God he's going to have sex with a girl!") console her by saying something like, "He's becoming a man now and at least he's being responsible?" I don't know.
Isn't it odd that I feel more comfortable buying condoms from a male cashier? He didn't know that I would use my purchase during masturbation. HE scans the package without a thought or if there is a thought it's probably something like, "Hey dude, good for you."
And isn't it odd that I'm still embarrassed about buying condoms? I feel like I'm pronouncing "I'M GOING TO HAVE SEX!" Then of course, I am a bit embarrassed buying toilet paper; I feel like the cashier thinks, "He's going to poop."
Then again, I'm more comfortable with a male doctor. Not that I don't think female doctors aren't as qualified or sufficient; but a male will understand certain problems because he has the same parts, unlike a female doctor.
Okay, I feel more comfortable with a male physician; I feel more comfortable buying condoms from a male cashier. Some things are personal. I'm not a sexist; I'm just a man not comfortable with showing certain aspects of my "maleness" with females.
Wow, I really babbled on. Okay, I'm gonna go and open up one of those condoms.
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