May 2007
THINKING ABOUT GROWING UP GAY
5/02/07
I find myself today thinking about my youth as a homosexual; not the way things are today, but my own experience; and how that experience has affected and influenced my life.
Being a young boy in the mid-late 60s and growing into an adolescent in the 70s then coming of age as a man in the early-mid 80s, I see many changes and differences today as opposed to then. But I wonder: times change, do people.
I’d like to think that the boy I was is more comfortable with himself today than I was then. I don’t think he probably is. Sure, "society is more enlightened, more accepting;" at least, idealistically.
When did it start? Actually, throughout my childhood, I didn’t feel that I was different. I was just who I was, just a kid.
I do remember when I started to "feel different." My Uncle and his four sons moved back after my Aunt died; for quite a while they pretty much lived with us. For me, who had four sisters, it was a wonderful thing to have other boys around. The activity in house completely changed. I was no longer the only boy and I looked up to my cousins, in all their boyhood, for guidance on HOW to BE a boy.
My mother, Bless Her Heart, had five children and now loved these four boys as her own. Imagine that, she had four daughters and one son; now she had these four rambunctious boys as well as her own. However, those rambunctious boys were totally foreign to me. My father loved the addition to our household.
My father and I, well, I remember knowing early that I wasn’t "the son" that I’d been expected to be. No, he never said as much to me; but there was a distance between us that didn’t exist between he and my sisters; and later my cousins. Oh, how he’d play with my cousins. I’d watch them, my father and my cousins; my father and these boys. I often found myself outside the male roughhousing and talk. Not included in my father’s acceptance of these boys, I watched as my father interacted with them, as he’d never done with me.
Eventually, my Uncle remarried and they were no longer around.
It was clear to me then that I was different. My father apparently saw, knew, and/or intuited something. He was never with me like he was with them.
Other than our neighborhood kickball games, I was never interested in sports. That, of course, has no bearing on homosexuality; however, it is a sure sign to other boys of SOMETHING. My not being a jock was difficult for my father; watching as I passed by the baseball glove and bat or football on Christmas morning in favor of a board game. Later, he even coached two of my sisters’ softball teams, just adding salt to his "wound."
Kids seem to live a "pack mentality" and those who don’t follow are identified and, well, we all know how kids can be: cruel. I was never a "follower" just to follow the crowd. Making fun of other kids, trying to make the young, substitute teacher cry, etc. were not "activities" in which I participated. It wasn’t that I was an angel; I was still a kid who did stupid things.
My father has said of me, "Of all my kids, Joey has always been the most thoughtful. He never forgets a birthday or holiday …" I don’t really recall the entirety of his statement. What I do recall is my reaction and thoughts about it. What he said was true but not just about remembering birthdays and such. I remember teasing and taunting my sisters, calling them names, things siblings do and say to one another and I remember feeling horrible about what I’d said or done afterward; my regret punishing me far longer than any hurt I’d inflicted had lasted. I was cautious when making decisions, especially when deciding whether or not to follow the crowd. "If I do this, this could happen, that could happen, the other thing could happen," was what I’d think and consider. More often than not, the possible consequences outweighed the action to me. So, I guess I chose NOT to be a part of the crowd; a choice that had it’s own consequences.
By the time we began puberty and entered our teenage years, I went from "nerd" to "faggot;" "geek" to "queer;" "thin" to "fat;" "happy" to "afraid;" "wanting to be liked" to "quiet and isolated."
When I first heard being called names, faggot and queer, I didn’t understand; I didn’t know what that meant. When I found myself being beaten up by the boys in school, I didn’t know why. When I started being taunted and chased on the way home from school through the park, I understood fear. When one of my younger sisters would stand up to the boys older than she to protect me, I understood embarrassment and humiliation greater than what the boys made me feel about myself. After being shoved into an alley and being hit, punched, touched, grabbed and ridiculed; straightening my school clothes that had gone askew and drying my eyes of tears and walking into our house, I understood shame. I also began to understand and learn secrecy. After all, how does the only son tell his mother and father that the other boys at school are beating him up everyday? There MUST be something wrong with me. I did not want to see the disappointment in my father’s face; I couldn’t hurt my mother’s feelings by telling.
I wasn’t popular yet in a most contradictory way, I was; and by high school, my "reputation" preceded me. Those who did not attend grade school with me quickly learned from the kids who did.
I had some good, long-time friends, though, in the girls on the street where we were growing up and my sisters. I didn’t talk much about all of that because when I was with them, none of that mattered. I was with real friends who loved me and whom I loved; all the rest, I stashed away. I drew strength and some semblance of confidence from them, their acceptance and love.
Though I was growing up, I was far from being grown-up. I was far from understanding my own emotions and sensitivities; understanding what true friendship is; understanding and feeling what real love is. But then, try telling that to ANY person in their late teens. At that age, we have all the answers; we know everything we need to know about the world and ourselves. Bless "blind youth."
It was during my teenage years that I began to question myself. Question myself in denial, shame and fear. It would be a long time before I really understood acceptance and love.
Illegal Immigrants.
5/09/07
Oh, all the protests and such by those who are NOT citizens of this Country. Those who entered illegally and didn’t have a problem with THAT small infraction of the law are now protesting.
Yet, they want to enjoy all the benefits, protection, security that all United States citizens have.
I read one comment from an illegal alien at a protest who said, "I’m NOT a criminal. I only want a better life for me and my family."
Who can argue with that? I mean, doesn’t everyone want a better life for him or herself and the family?
Let’s take a look at all the American citizens serving time in prison; all they wanted when then committed their crime was something better for themselves; all they wanted was something better than what they had; All AT THE EXPENSE OF OTHERS.
The fact is that a law was broken. The one who made the infraction is being punished for the disregard for the law.
The person who entered this Country illegally has no right or place to complain. This is a person who broke the law; more than likely did everything he or she could to either fall "under the radar" or do everything they could to "fall between the cracks."
So, if all of the ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS, who broke the law, are allowed to become honest-to-God, citizens of the United States without even trying other than just sneaking here, we might as well ignore ALL of our laws and open the doors to our jails and prisons because our LAWS mean nothing!
Let’s look at the immigrants who worked and studied and did everything WE (THE U.S.) asked of them to become United States citizens. Those who came into our Country with approval and WANTED to live here and BE a United States citizen.
Was everything they did, everything they wanted, for nothing? For if they’d only waited a few years, our government would have given them citizenship for breaking all the laws they’d sworn to uphold?
The President and/or Congress giving citizenship to those here illegally, just because they are here, is akin to giving a ‘free pass" to anyone who sees fit to break the laws of The United States Of America.
Am I the only one who finds this thinking absurd? How is it that those who have broken the laws of our Country are being held up as "victims" in their pursuit of "becoming" exactly what they disregarded? Meaning, people who showed no regard for the United States yet expect to be protected by the United States.
Come on! You don’t get to have it both ways. But then again, I guess sometimes you can.
The American Civil Liberties Union of West Virginia is currently "monitoring" the handling of illegal immigrant detention by Ohio County Sheriff Thomas Burgoyne and his department. WV ACLU director is "very concerned" about the "actions of the Wheeling-based law enforcement agency." It is said that the WV ACLU has received complaints about law enforcement agencies detaining illegal aliens. The WV ACLU is now watching and monitoring the Sheriff’s Department because the detention of illegal immigrants, they fear, "often leads to racial profiling, partially because officers are untrained in immigration law."
Okay. Let’s look, for a moment, at the WV ACLU. They are "The American Civil Liberties Union of West Virginia (ACLU-WV) is a non-partisan, non-profit membership organization whose mission is to fulfill the promise of the Bill of Rights for all West Virginians and expand the reach of its guarantees to new areas."
As far as I know, illegal aliens or immigrants aren’t citizens of West Virginia, nor are they citizens of The United States. Hmmm, maybe the WV ACLU is overstepping their bounds. A quote from the ACLU website: "Immigrants' Rights:
The ACLU has been one of the nation's leading advocates for the rights of immigrants, refugees and non-citizens, challenging unconstitutional laws and practices, countering the myths upon which many of these laws are based.
The "rights of non-citizens?" Since the ACLU is "a non-partisan, non-profit membership organization whose mission is to fulfill the promise of the Bill of Rights for all West Virginians and expand the reach of its guarantees to new areas," shouldn’t they be more concerned with Americans and less about those who have no regard or respect for either the Bill of Rights or any other American Law? I don’t think the "guarantees to new areas" include law-breaking-illegal immigrants. As their motto goes, they profess to protect US…however, seems now they aren’t so concerned with protecting US as much as they are protecting those who break the law, and are here illegally and punished for such actions.
In this context, maybe they should change their name to NACLU, Non-American Civil Liberties Union. Quite frankly, it is a slap in the face and offensive to honest, hard-working, law-abiding American citizens that those in the United States illegally are being protected and shrouded in a veil of discrimination and "unconstitutional laws and practices." Maybe, even more so, is the insult to those immigrants who followed the laws happily and proudly to attain citizenship.
NONE of us are above the law. If we expect to be protected by the law, we must also follow the same law. To think that the law is in place for everyone else but not for "me" is hypocrisy. Those who are in the United States illegally, who disregarded every law and disrespected not just government but the PEOPLE of the United States, now want (and DEMAND) equal protection under the same laws and Constitution of the United States.
See the double standard? They don’t feel an obligation to The United States, yet they feel the U.S. is obligated to THEM. They came here from wherever to escape injustice, poverty; to find a better life; to enjoy and benefit from living in the freedom and opportunities of the United States. However, they don’t think they should be held to the same standards that U.S. citizens are; they believe themselves to be above our laws; they want to reap the benefits without BECOMING everything they say they want. Instead of becoming a U.S. citizen, they want the U.S. to become THEM; instead of learning our language, we should learn theirs; instead of acknowledging our laws, we should excuse their violations; instead of being a citizen of the United States, we should embrace them just because they are here regardless of how.
Now the illegal immigrants, those in this country who broke the law, are protesting for their "rights." What rights? If I went to any other country and started protesting against that government because they spoke a different language than I do, if I didn’t have the same opportunities as citizens of that country, I’d be laughed right out of town and shown the border!
Oh, but here in the United States, we have the ACLU and a government that doesn’t respect the American people as much as they should. They all seem to be so willing to ignore the American people in an effort to "be humanitarian." If they were really interested and/or concerned with "doing what is right," that would be one thing; but I don’t think they are. They are more concerned with their political careers and HOW they are perceived more than doing what they should: adhere to the laws and wishes of the American citizens.
Well, the bleeding hearts are all fine and good; but do illegal immigrants and/or aliens vote? United States citizens DO vote. That’s something our elected officials need to remember. What they do directly affects MY vote.
If illegal immigrants and/or aliens wish to become United States citizens, they MUST do the same things every other naturalized citizen did. It’s important to remember that naturalized citizens became U.S. citizens proudly with conviction of the beliefs and laws of the United States of America. Any "blanket citizenship offering" is not only illegal, it’s a betrayal to the every United States citizen.
Maybe I AM naïve; maybe I DID live a "sheltered life;" or maybe I’m just, again, "odd-man out."
5/16/2007
For most of my life I thought that it was our generations (the 60s and 70s) that made sex such a "big deal." I assumed that sex didn’t matter so much before as it does now; however, I think I’m learning that my thinking wasn’t true at all.
I suppose my first "heads up" should have been when I finally read The Bible as an adult. (It’s true that I was a very good Catholic boy. For those non-Catholics, we were discouraged from reading The Bible; everything we needed to know would come from the priests and nuns.) Then I watched those wonderful TNT made-for-TV biblical movies: "Abraham," "Jacob," "Joseph."
It’s no wonder they didn’t want us to read The Bible; there is as much sex as there is prayer. Men had wives, NOT just one; they had concubines, pretty much women with whom the men had sex whenever he wanted. Not to mention the whole "if a brother dies before having a son, HIS living brother should have sex with his dead brother’s wife to create a son"-thing.
Well, it’s easy to think that "that was THEN and the world and humans have moved on."
Have we? Skipping forward to even early 1900s. Men having as much sex as they could, or at least get away with having, were as prevalent then as it is now. The only difference was that it wasn’t talked about. Of course, every woman was expected to be a virgin on her wedding day; every man was expected to have "sowed his wild oats." Am I the only one who sees the paradox here? With whom was he sowing?????
The young couple courting had sex. We’ve all been taught that the man was the aggressor and he took away the woman’s innocence; when pregnancy happened, they married. Regardless of whether they loved one another, they married. Husbands then had sex with other women outside his marriage. At that time, a woman was a "non-person" so to speak, only an extension of her husband. If she found out of her husband’s infidelity, divorce was out of the question; she either lived with it and him, or she maintained the illusion but didn’t share his bed anymore.
What is it? What is it about sex? What is it about men? Men, adult and teens, say, "I NEED it."
Need? What a human being NEEDS to survive is food and water; sex is a desire, it’s NOT a life-sustaining NEED. After all, we males have two hands that will satisfy that desire.
See, like I said before, maybe I’m "odd-man out." I just don’t get it. I don’t understand being so ready to give up EVERYTHING for a few minutes of sexual pleasure, one’s relationship, and one’s family, one’s LIFE.
As a boy growing up and as a teenager, I knew and/or heard that the most important thing on the other boys’ minds was sex and how he’d do anything to have sex.
I had those same hormones and body parts; I felt the same things. My teenage years were not spent on trying to get laid. Was it because I heard the way the boys talked and having four sisters, it was offensive to me? Was it because I wasn’t really attracted to girls (no matter how much I tried and wanted to be?) Was it because I just didn’t have a strong libido?
I don’t know; maybe I’m just out of touch or sexually deficient. Certainly I feel desires, sexual desires, but they don’t control me. I’m not saying that I’ve never acted upon these sexual desires, I have. However, afterward, more often than not I regretted that decision and felt bad after it was over and we’d parted and I was alone again. Even during the sexual encounter, I was less than fulfilled. Oh, I enjoyed being physical; but even at the same time, I realized that I was either a penis or a mouth for another’s penis. Two strangers who strip naked and engage in the most intimate of physical acts; yet, who barely converse with each other and frankly, don’t care either way.
I have found, that after I’ve been so intimate with someone, that being asked, "Do you want to get off, too?" is insulting, embarrassing and humiliating. After he’d gotten off and gotten his own sexual satisfaction, suddenly I’m nothing more than a reciprocal obligation, half-hearted at that.
I don’t "hook-up" for sex anymore. I never did often anyway: after finally accepting my homosexuality to myself I had my ‘slutty period’ but before that, I had been celibate for ten years. My "slutty period" lasted less than a year.
Is there a "middle ground?" Am I less of a man because my penis doesn’t guide and lead me? Am I less of a man because sex or my own sexual gratification isn’t the most important part of my life? Am I less of a man because I’d rather masturbate than have sex with someone with whom I’ve no connection, intellectual, emotional or personal?
I’m either naïve or just not "of this world," I guess.
I resigned myself to my own homosexuality. I looked within and accepted myself for who I am. THAT was not easy or comfortable for me. Before that, I resigned myself to being alone all of my life; I just didn’t understand why or wouldn’t admit it to myself.
I’m no longer that confused boy-man. However, I am sure I’ll spend the rest of my life single. Not alone, mind you; I’ve got family and friends. Single, unattached; because for me, among other reasons, sex is not the end-all and be-all of my existence. There is so much more to my life than sex and my penis or being a gay man.
The Death of Jerry Falwell
5/23/07
Yes, Jerry Falwell. There is one less seat in Hell.
I don't say this as a homosexual.
I say this as a Christian.
I say this, as a Christian man who saw Jerry Falwell as a man who professed to be Christian, yet didn’t seem to understand the message and lesson of Jesus Christ. One who chose his own thoughts and personal beliefs over the teachings of Christ. One who hated, encouraged hatred; one who asked for forgiveness from others, yet was so unwilling and unable to forgive others who had sinned, or were unworthy, in his perception.
Jerry Falwell, a "man" who thought of himself as the pinnacle of Christianity; who thought he was a "prophet" of God; one who believed his own thoughts and ideas of what Christianity IS were absolute and exact.
Poor man. Imagine his "judgment day;" facing God and having to explain his life on this earth and his actions toward others. What will be his answer to the Lord's questions:
"What made YOU think YOU know? What part of giving my Son's life to save every mortal soul made you think you had authority to pass judgment upon others? How did you think you had the power to condemn others; ANYONE? Have YOU never sinned? Yet, you often and loudly threw stones.
"YOU hid behind MY name in your effort to pronounce yourself; exalt yourself; make yourself SPEAK for ME? Speak for my Son? You used My name and my Son's name to spread anger, judgment, condemnation and hatred toward your brother. You lived your life in opposition to everything Jesus commanded.
"NO ONE enters Heaven except through my Son. You did NOT live through my Son; you used your own words to express your ignorance and disregard for the teachings of Jesus Christ.
""It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God." YOUR pride, self-assurance that you actually spoke "the Word Of God," your arrogance that YOU were MY voice on earth makes you "the rich man" in my Son's teaching. You were rich within YOURSELF. You thought more of yourself than you did Me or My Son. You thought of yourself as more important than everything. Including Me, The Lord God Almighty and His Son, Jesus the Savior of Man."
Pseudo-Christians are everywhere; Jerry Falwell didn't create them nor will his death erase them. We must live with them. Take heart, Christians.
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