November 2007
Part One
Male Victims of Sexual Abuse
I read something from a man who was sexually abused as a young boy. He has spent many years in conflict with his emotional response and his physical response to the molestation, abuse, he had experienced, suffered. At the time he struggled with the emotions he had and his physical response to sex; he, to this day as a grown adult man, continues to grapple with reconciling the violation of being raped as an innocent and his body’s physical response to sexual contact. He remembers being sexually excited and experiencing physical pleasure; he remembers feeling vulnerable, emotionally confused, shamed, guilty, and violated physically and personally and emotionally. The fact is that he was sexually abused, raped. That is a fact. What confuses him is not that he was violated, abused, molested, raped but how his body reacted to the sexual experience; his body responded sexually, his penis became erect, he felt sexual and physical pleasure. The male victim of rape, molestation, and sexual abuse struggles internally with thoughts of confusion over the emotions of violation, shame and fear with his own body’s betrayal.
Males, especially young males, get an erection if the wind blows a certain way; that doesn't mean they are necessarily sexually aroused. Males get erections during sleep; that doesn't mean they are sexually aroused. Males can get an erection if the underpants rub the penis a certain way; that does not mean sexual arousal.
All of the above are physical and biological responses over which one has little or limited control.
If a boy experiences an erection or orgasm during physical molestation or sexual abuse, these are physical reactions and responses to the tactile violations by the abuser; reactions and responses the boy has no control over and which the abuser exploits for his own perverted pleasure in his violent assault.
Though the victim's body may respond to touching and sexual advances, those responses are in no way an indication of enjoyment. Mentally and emotionally there are no feelings of sexual arousal or desire; there are only feelings of fear and intimidation. Later he may look back and question himself because of his physical response, erection, and have feelings of guilt. "I got a hard-on; I must have enjoyed it or wanted it."
The victim of sexual abuse is not the one who should feel guilty. Neither should he question himself about his body's involuntary reactions.
What does the boy who experiences sexual abuses understand? He understands that he is frightened; he understands betrayal; he understands violence; he understands a violation that no child should ever have to understand.
No, that child should feel no accessory blame or guilt. The one who violated and abused the child holds all the blame; as well, this abuser counts on the child's misunderstanding. The abuser then uses perfectly natural physiological functioning against his victim. After abusing physical power against a child, he then abuses emotional power over the child. It is physical violence and abuse followed by emotional violence and blackmail.
No child asks to be a victim; no child has the ability to understand the gravity of the abuse that has been suffered upon him. THAT is what predators count on; that and his victim's fear and emotional insecurity.
No victim of molestation and sexual abuse should ever feel "they wanted it" because of involuntary physical reactions and responses. The crime may have been committed against the body, but the damage was done to the person, mentally and emotionally.
Our society often sees sexual abuse of a male less of a crime because the victim is male. Female rape victims are embraced; male victims of rape, except when the rapist is male, aren’t considered victims. The young male sexually molested by an adult female is not so much considered as a victim. After all, he wanted to have sex and the adult woman simply gave him what he wanted; she "ushered him into manhood."
No, if an adult woman has sex with a boy she is guilty of rape. Just as much as an adult man who has sex with a young girl. The boy sexually molested by an adult woman is the same kind of rapist as the male who rapes women. She rapes for the same reasons: for her own self-satisfaction, for her own ability to overpower someone weaker, to abuse and manipulate another regardless of her victim.
What is wrong in our society is that we accept that. We don’t see males as victims, especially sexually, and we teach our boys to NEVER be a victim. We teach our boys that men should never express feelings or emotions; men should be strong, virile, and unemotional. With those lessons, how does a boy who has suffered abuse ever heal? How does he ever overcome the teachings he has received and the emotions he has but has been taught he must never feel, in order to be a man?
The male victim of sexual abuse is a victim. He is just as much a victim of sexual predators as his female counterparts. We go to great lengths to support female victims of rape and bring to justice those who abused them. We don’t show the same support and understanding of male victims of sexual abuse.
That could be because we don’t allow for male victims to be victims. Instead we engage the double standard within our society that dictates how males and females are considered and treated. So much for equality and all of that; women certainly are equal to men in society, business, armed forces, etc., women are also as guilty of committing crimes and should be equally prosecuted under the law. Forget gender, a man who abuses or neglects a child is immediately seen as a criminal and sentenced as such; a woman is given leeway, she is to be understood due to any number of reasons, she is considered in many ways as the Madonna, without blame and worthy of our understanding and sympathy.
It’s true that we all are created equal. Women, in particular, have endeavored and fought for such equality. However, that equality must pertain to the good as well as the bad. Women tend to want to play both sides of the field: they want to be equal in life, but want exceptions when it comes to taking responsibility for their own actions and lives.
If we could forget the gender of a victim and consider the victim as a person victimized … but that isn’t the way it is. We have double standards in our society and we aren’t anywhere near being fair and equal to everyone.
Dumbledore: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
Oh, all the fuss being made about author J. K. Rowling’s "revelation" over the sexuality of one of the characters in the Harry Potter books. One thing should be made quite clear about these novels: they have often been called "children’s books" but the author has stated that she never intended the Harry Potter saga for young children. She has said early on that she wrote them with teenagers and pre-teens in mind as an audience. Much of the subject matter in the novels, especially after the third, deals with emotions and feelings of the pubescent characters as they embark on their own personal growths from childhood to maturity. These include lessons about personal responsibility, walking the fine line that we all have experienced during puberty between being a kid and asserting the independence and maturity; lessons of cliques, discrimination, betrayal, facing one’s fears, loss and death; as well as love, friendship, honor and emotions that both sustain us and betray us at the same time. Even the author’s own child wasn’t allowed to read certain installments alone; because of the emotional subject matter, the author read with her child. Ms. Rowling may have been surprised by how her novels have been embraced by adults as well, but the themes in her stories are universal.
In interviews with fans, J. K. Rowling has said that Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster of the school of witchcraft and wizardry, is a homosexual. The reactions of this, reported by the press, ranges from confusion to understanding; from insult to empowerment; from ignorance to fear; from an incredibly entertaining story to societal and political motivations.
Having read the series of books, I admit that I did wonder, in context, about the headmaster's previous actions as a young man compared to how we knew him as the Headmaster of Hogwarts.
If Dumbledore's homosexuality was revealed in a question and answer period by the author, who knows much more about the characters in the books than we do, I don't know what the effect it will or should have on the readers.
Without having heard such a revelation by the author, most of us would have just read the novels and been left with our own impressions. Were there questions and wonderings? Certainly. Were we confused about and questioning the actions of the young Dumbledore? Yes. Any reader of this series of novels has certainly felt these same thoughts.
Love often brings tragedy to people; for better or worse, that is part of the human experience. Surely not necessarily to the extent of Dumbledore's (we don't live in a fictional world) but to some extent we fall in love and it doesn't always, or often even, work out. We then move on with our lives and do our best to become the best that we can be.
There is no concrete evidence in the books of Dumbledore's homosexuality. Much like in many of the real lives of real people, there isn't much concrete evidence, other than one's telling of one's homosexuality.
I don't know that there will be any effect on the way homosexuals are perceived by those who have read the Harry Potter books. In the context of the books, Professor Dumbledore was a figure of authority, a teacher most intent on his students; a bit of an enigma, but then we readers cannot possibly understand entirely the wizarding world that J.K. Rowling created.
The overwhelming theme in the books in regard to Dumbledore, whether he was gay or not, is his devotion to his students and to Harry Potter specifically. His past certainly influenced Harry's life just as much as he influenced Harry. Dumbledore embraced Harry knowing who the young boy was and the young man he should become. He taught him, protected him, and revealed to him what Harry needed to know to fulfill his destiny. He sacrificed his own life for Harry Potter.
The fact that Professor Dumbledore was a homosexual is hardly the point. That Albus may have loved another man and so humanly succumbed to emotional turmoil, does in no way affect his role as an honorable man toward his fellow teachers and his students. His understanding of this young boy’s position, meaning and importance and power within the world in which they lived brought about his love for Harry.
If an adult shows that kind of love and dedication to others, a child, the fact (known or not known) won't matter to that child. Society and/or parents may try to influence him or her against supposed thoughts and beliefs; but what will remain within the child is feeling.
The "controversy" over the homosexuality of a fictional character in a novel is akin to the policy of the armed forces in our country, "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell." If you don’t tell me what I don’t want to know, we have no problem. If you don’t tell me what could make me think less of you, I won’t question you. If you keep silent about who you are, because I might be offended by your revelation about yourself, I am happy to accept you for whom you are, at least as far as I allow you be yourself. Any offense I experience by you is so much more important than any offense you may feel over having not being able to be yourself. I’m allowed to be who I am and present myself accordingly, but you as a homosexual must not ever consider yourself to be allowed to be and present yourself as who you are because that one part of who you are, what you do, is offensive to me and that one part of you will eradicate the person you are. I insist that any offense you experience by me is acceptable and you should just understand and accept it; however, if you choose to offend me by being homosexual, I’ll no longer be able to see you for WHO you are. See, I cannot separate who you are from your actions, though I expect YOU to separate who I am from my actions.
Okay, maybe I went a bit far in comparing a fictional character to the real world. But WHO a person is must be of more consequence than his or her sexuality. I’m a gay man; WHO I am as a person has little or nothing to do with my sexual orientation. As a son, brother, uncle … a man, a human being … I am more concerned with how I conduct myself as an honorable man than I am about how I am perceived by others who don’t know me. Those who decide to base their opinions of me based on my homosexuality and therefore judge me according to their own ideas and thoughts and opinions thereby pronouncing me to be heretical and not worthy and a threat to them, don’t understand humanity or what it means to be human at all.
I’ve heard questions asked about whether Dumbledore’s homosexuality influenced his love and affection toward Harry Potter. The fact is sexual abuse against children, both male and female, is committed by heterosexual men. Is the revelation of the headmaster’s homosexuality outside of the books a cause for alarm? No more a cause for alarm than someone like me; a man who wishes only the best for the children in my life. For sure, I’m no Headmaster, but the well being of children is very important to me and something that I take very seriously in my life.
Children only learn what they are taught. They learn from lessons but even more so they learn by the actions and attitudes of those adults to whom they look.
Happy Thanksgiving
Yes, it’s beginning to look a lot like …
What it is looking like exactly is more and more of the same kind of "pushing it" that happens this time of year. I don’t mean the "holiday season," I mean once the seasons according to the calendar change from summer to fall. Once that calendar turns from August or September, it is suddenly the Christmas season.
My sister and I were shopping in a store for a Halloween costume for my nephew and the entire time we strolled the "Halloween" aisles, the sounds of Christmas were broadcast. As we browsed in the "Halloween Costume" aisles, directly across from us were Christmas songs and all of the Christmas decorations displayed. My first thought at the time was IT’S OCTOBER!
When did it happen that just as soon as the weather turns cold, it became the Christmas Season? Autumn barely exists anymore; Thanksgiving Day is no longer seen as a very special holiday other than "once we get past this, it’s Christmastime!"
Well, I don’t know about many of you, but October and November is NOT the Christmas season to me. There is so much more of autumn to enjoy than to rush toward winter, which, by the way, nearly everyone will complain about for months after Christmas is over. Once the rush toward December 25 has passed, the discontent with winter replaces the exciting jubilation that had been so eagerly sought and embraced.
November used to give us autumn and Thanksgiving Day. That is a day that we should celebrate as President Washington explained in his Thanksgiving Proclamation, "for the many signal favors of Almighty God" in the lives of the people." Just as the pilgrims who offered thanks and celebrated life, as President Washington also said, "That we may then all unite in rendering unto him our sincere and humble thanks—for his kind care and protection of the People of this Country...for the signal and manifold mercies, and the favorable interpositions of his Providence which we experienced in the tranquility, union, and plenty, which we have since enjoyed...and also that we may then unite in most humbly offering our prayers and supplications to the great Lord and Ruler of Nations and beseech him to pardon our national and other transgressions—to enable us all, whether in public or private stations, to perform our several and relative duties properly and punctually...To promote the knowledge and practice of true religion and virtue, and the increase of science among them and us—and generally to grant unto all Mankind such a degree of temporal prosperity as he alone knows to be best."
So should we. But do we? Not really so much. For many, Thanksgiving Day is truly a day of giving thanks for all of the good and benefits we have been afforded, a day devoted to sincere thanksgiving for loved ones and gathering with them to share and celebrate our gratitude to each other and to God. A day (geez, just one day set aside) to acknowlege and embrace each other in thanfulness for who and/or what they really mean to us, a gathering with one another to share that kind of love and gratitude; a day to embrace not only each other, but to as well thank and embrace God who has made everything we have possible.
We’ve lost much of that. Thanksgiving Day now is more about turkey and football than it is about what the holiday was intended. We’ve lost so much of it that we just cannot seem to wait to get through it to get to Christmas.
In fact, we don’t wait. Because Christmas is a "money-maker," it seems it starts earlier each year. We tend to just pass through Thanksgiving or just ignore it in order to get to Christmas with all it’s pageantry and jubilance. We begin celebrating Christmas even before Thanksgiving; then on December 26, we are so tired of Christmas that we end it there; way before the Christmas Season is over. You know the Christmas song, "The Twelve Days of Christmas?" The twelve days of Christmas are actually the twelve days between Christmas Day and January 6; from the birth of Jesus to the arrival of the Magi ("Wise Men", "Three Kings") who travelled to worship the new-born Christ, the revelation of God to mankind in human form. THOSE are the famous twelve days of Christmas.
Instead of seeing colder weather as a sign of Christmas, instead of getting pulled into Christmas for commercial and monetary gains for those who will reap the benefits of our spending in mid-November; let’s really acknowledge Thanksgiving Day for what it is. Not the entrance to Christmas, but an incredibly important and emotional holiday on its own. One that has nothing to do with gifts or any amount of money spent but one that is about being thankful for what one has, thankful for those loved ones in ones lives; giving thanks to God, regardless of ones personal "religion." I, for one, embrace the holiday of Thanksgiving to show those whom I love and to those to whom I’m grateful for their loving me; and to my God without whom I’d not be here at all.
There is so much for which we should be thankful: life, family, friends, people we love, people who love us. Is one day in November too much to acknowledge these gifts we have and share our thanksgiving with those we love; and offer our thanks to God this one day a year for giving us the opportunity to live and be alive? We all have our own problems and struggles and I know at times these can be consuming, but we can also be thankful for these as well. After all, if we are experiencing tough times, we are alive; we are a part of humanity; we are living. We have the opportunities to change the tides of our own lives. We may not be able to change others, no more than others are able to change who we are, but we are given the gift of life and if we accept that gift and embrace life and love for all with thankfulness and gratitude we can truly appreciate and celebrate Thanksgiving for what we have. Anger and bitterness over what we have not can overtake us and can be destructive.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
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