September 2006
9/6/2006
NATURE VS NURTURE
Recently, there was this question, "Are we gay because something happened during gestation in our mother's wombs-
genetic or are we gay because we learned it."
Obviously, I cannot answer for anyone other than myself.
Nature or nurture? Well, I certainly didn't "learn" homosexuality as a kid; I also don't think "something happened during gestation" either. Both of these "theories" are directly or indirectly about blaming; something made me this way, a problem made me this way. Therefore, my homosexuality was caused by something.
MY HOMOSEXUALITY is not a result of an over-bearing mother, an emotionally absent father or a household of sisters. Myself.... my mother was never over-bearing; she was loving, my childhood wasn't about what we kids could do for HER but what SHE could do for us, she disciplined us when we needed it and comforted us as well. (PS....not EVERY issue in someone's life is the fault of the mother, Freud.)
There are many other men who have only sisters, an emotionally absent father and a loving and devoted mother who are straight. All of my sisters are straight.
Growing up, I always knew I was different from the other boys but never understood. Of course, THEY did. Did their teasing and taunting make me gay? No. In fact, it made me deny my feelings and myself in order to prove them wrong; thereby wasting years of my life in denial and shame.
To say that my homosexuality is because "something happened" before my birth is to say that I'm gay because "something went wrong in utero" which implies that my homosexuality is the result of a disease or defect.
I'm a gay man; it has nothing to do with any defect. It is a part of who I am; who I've always been. I can no more change that than I can change my height.
Sure, I could live my life as a straight man but that would be lying; not just to myself but to everyone else. I could also tell people that I'm six feet two inches in height, but that doesn't make it the truth.
9/13/2006
ABUSE
Several months ago, there was a story in the newspaper about an incident of domestic violence that resulted from a husband receiving the Sports Illustrated "Swim Suit" edition. The wife apparently "went off" and things went from bad to worse as they each became violent against each other. One filed "domestic violence" charges against the other.
The story printed in the newspaper took a "light-hearted" view of this situation; after all, all this drama over a magazine? Some people, mostly women, took offense to the article’s tone.
I know there are also men who are victims of domestic violence. We just don’t hear so much about that because society tells us that men cannot be victims. Imagine going to the police department to file a report and telling the officer your gay lover beat you up. Can you see the reaction from the officer? The same is true for straight men whose wife attacks him physically and violently.
However, gender notwithstanding, it boils down to the same thing.
Domestic violence has nothing to do with any magazine, be it "Sports Illustrated," "Playboy, "Hustler," "Playgirl," "Cosmopolitan," "Vogue," "Victoria’s Secret," "Time" or any other.
Domestic violence has everything to do with anger, resentment, hatred, lack of self-esteem and more often than not, alcohol and/or drug abuse. The man who physically abuses someone is not a man. The husband or partner who physically abuses his wife or partner is not a man. This is a man who has problems, serious, severe emotional problems. His machismo or his own idea of what manhood is is totally off course.
Domestic violence is not just a "man" thing. Some women are guilty of abuse.
No, it’s not funny. It’s tragic. No one deserves to be treated badly and beaten or abused as such. The victims certainly should never be demeaned or insulted, female or male.
This isn’t only a "straight" problem either. How many gay men in relationships also suffer the same kind of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of the loved one?
Consider this: as much as women are ashamed to admit to being abused, how much more shameful and embarrassing for a man to admit it. How difficult it is for a man to be beaten and abused by his male lover; to whom does he turn? Authorities? Imagine that scene: a male police officer taking the report from a man with black and blue eyes, broken nose, broken ribs telling about his male lover beating him. The officer trying to stifle his snickers, and his dismissal of the complaint because faggots aren’t worthy of protection like a woman is.
The gay man then returns home, back to where he’d fled. He doesn’t have the same support others have. He ran, he tried; instead of support and aide, he received mockery and dismissal. Because he is a man; because he is gay?
The straight man that is physically abused by his wife and doesn’t retaliate is understood; men are taught NEVER to hit a woman.
The gay man that is physically abused by his partner is less than understood. After all, a man should be able to protect himself. That is a good theory but in real life, it’s about bigotry, ignorance and dismissal.
Even men, big strong men, are vulnerable to abuse at the hands of the man he loves. Because he loves him, he is as willing to accept the beatings and violence as any other "victim of abuse."
My question is not why does it happen; but why does it continue? That is a question only the victim of domestic abuse can answer. The abuser has a problem; that much is apparent. The victim as well has a problem. How does any woman or man accept beating after beating from a man? Once would be enough for most of us to realize it’s time to get away.
There is no justifying beating someone (self-defense isn’t the topic) and there is no justifying allowing one’s self to be beaten either. Abusive people should be made accountable. The fact, unfortunately, is that the victim of the abuse either feels they deserve it or it is just a part of the price to be paid for love, acceptance, and security.
I’ll stand up and tell you: YOU DESERVE BETTER! The beating, black eyes, cracked ribs and bruises and the "I’m sorry" later can the way you spend the rest of your life, but there is a better life and world out there. There is help for you; assistance; friends, family. No one needs to live that life.
However, if you do choose to life that life, you are no longer a victim.
9/20/2006
What is an older man?
That is a matter of perception:
A twenty year old may see someone who is 40 as an old man; a man in his fifties or sixties would might see that same 40 year old man as someone young.
As we age in our own lives, our perception of what age is "old" changes. When once the age of thirty was seen as old; as we age in our own lives, the idea of "old" grows as well.
What we fail to recognize is the fact that we are who we are, we feel what we feel regardless of our age.
Ask me if I feel any different at my age of 42 than I felt at the age of 17 and I'll honestly say, "I wake up everyday feeling the same way I always have."
Sure, through my years, things have happened; things have changed; but whom I am inside never has.
Isn't that the same for everyone? Haven't those of more advanced years felt the same things; in fact, even more?
In our current environment that embraces youth and "society’s" ideal of youth, many of us fall outside the spectrum; we aren’t ingénues anymore, we aren’t innocent young men seeking our own way in the world.
The "age-thing" isn’t a ‘gay-thing", it’s a man thing. Ask any "first wife" in the straight community. However, the topic of how old one is seems to be a "deal-breaker" in the gay community. Older gay men, mostly, seem to want younger men; the younger gay men, for the most part want guys their own age.
Media has decided that the attractive man is absent of body hair. A Guy in his late teens and into his 20s may really not have to do much to achieve that "look." They may take razor to skin and groin every few days or so, but that’s only removing what nature has given. He may insist, "Smooth feels better;" I wonder if he isn’t really just following the latest trend.
Many mature men are as caught up in this trend as younger men. The man who has body hair is often an affront and not attractive to guys who believe "society’s ideal" of a man. Even older and mature men want to fit in.
The younger guys probably don’t remember the 1970s and 1980s when the more hair a man had on his chest, the sexier he was. Then of course, this was also before the days of "the starving model."
Maybe it’s just me but the anemic-looking, rib-showing, exhibiting malnutrition guy isn’t especially sexually attractive.
Is a man of an age greater than my own, someone who because of his number of years alive, less of a man; not worthy of my attention; a man because of his age doesn't mean anything to me in my life?
Those answers are NO! Those generations, those men, who have come before us, are the reason we are able to be who we are; live in the greatest Country in the world. THEY paved the way for us.
I personally cannot dismiss or ignore the "older generations." That so many people can and do, angers me. I acknowledge and thank them for what they've done, how they've lived, to enable me to live the live I now enjoy.
I only hope that I can be as much of a man, an American, as they were.
9/27/2007
SIZE
Let’s talk about size. It’s a common opinion that homosexual men are overly preoccupied with the size of a man’s penis. How often have you been approached with this sweet introductory line, "How big are you?"
The fact is, SIZE isn’t a homosexual thing. It’s a MAN thing.
Straight men are preoccupied with the size of a woman’s breasts. Gay men are preoccupied with the size of a man’s penis. EVERY man is preoccupied with the size of his own penis.
Men consider "bigger to be better" in all aspects of life. The bigger the income, the bigger the position in employment, the bigger the car (or at least the bigger the engine and power of the car), the bigger "social status," the bigger the score in sports; the bigger, the better the man.
Do we learn this as boys? Yes, we do. Get the bigger grades; make the most scores; "be a big boy, big boys don’t cry;" "help your sister, she’s smaller than you;" show the smaller boys who is boss.
What did we really learn? What we achieve is more important than who we are. We learned to either not have or hide our own feelings and emotions. After all, a "big boy" doesn’t cry so "big boys" don’t feel. We learned to see others in the same way.
Let’s now add into this equation homosexuality. Two men who have learned the same; break out the rulers! Another hindrance is "gay porn." NONE of us really look like those guys, yet that is the "ideal" that is sought. That is a fantasy, not real life. The men in gay porn have better make-up, lighting, direction and editing than we real people have.
As men, we are considered by society as "superficial." There is truth in that. Men are visually stimulated; okay, even a slight breeze can stimulate us.
We, as men and especially gay men, don’t have to BE the stereotype. We DO have feelings and emotions; we DO have interests outside of sex; many, if not, most men really would like to find love and revel in that loving relationship.
So, let’s think of SIZE this way: our penis is what it is and that’s perfect; the bigger MAN is the man who is honorable, sincere, responsible; honest; a man who can and will express his emotions. HE by far is the Bigger and Better Man.
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